Jeremy Emberling [Dot] Com

Change.

This election, it’s all you hear about. It’s Obama’s catchphrase and McCain wishes it was his. Regardless of how the election goes, the change we are seeking will not be satisfying. I know I wish I could believe the government could make my problems better but look at me. I work a job that I should get paid twice what I am paid, I turn around and pay over half of it on bills, and hope the rest lasts me for the next paycheck. More taxes will kill me but so will the decreasing value of the dollar. We’re screwed either way.

I’d like to go to school, but I didn’t even get a legitimate high school diploma. Oh yeah, that’s right. I went to a high school, graduated, and their diploma isn’t even recognized by the state. It’s as if I dropped out. That’s the way to show someone who stuck it out through so much. So… college wasn’t something I wanted to do anyway. I hated school the entire time I was there, mainly because I had learned everything I was interested in, and I realized in high school, I wasn’t going to use most of the stuff they taught us anyways, and college is just more of that. Even if it’d help me better my job, I’m out of luck there.

The change I’d like to believe in is really simple but unbelievably unpractical. Like I’ll ever see the day when our flag actually holds reverence, enough reverence not to use it as a marketing device to slap on shirts and bumper stickers. A day where our constitution is upheld and isn’t corrupted by neo-liberals and religious zealots. This is the most important election in history? Please. This is all theatre.

I’ve come to terms that as much as an idealist I am, I’m just as much a realist. Because of this, many in the Christian community would call me liberal, and that’s not what I’m aiming for. If reality has a liberal bias, I’m sorry? I’ll never make the Christians happy. Not even Jesus can manage that, though. With all this political talk of change, it’s got me thinking about change in my life.

I’ve been trying to change the world through any means possible. I fight the system every minute I can. I try to open eyes and inform the masses. I know I’ve been destined to literally change the world, but I have no idea where to begin or what to do. I know what my purpose is, but I have 404 days, and about 8 hours before that part of my life takes off. In the meantime, I’m really lost. I am in love but no one to love. I feel alone and broken. So out of touch.

I really don’t know where I belong. For someone who really has his mind and thoughts together, I have the same trap that other higher minds throughout history have had… It’s finding a place with other people where you aren’t speaking over everyone’s heads, have relevant conversation, and not seem arrogant. I’m not asking for much, just someone that can be what I am to everyone else. I guess that’s why I do what I do for everyone, because I know just how it feels to not have that person around them.

Obviously what I’m doing here isn’t working. Nothing I’ve done my entire life has worked. Change? You tell me…

I’ve been praying for you for years.
I’ve never laid eyes on you but long for our lips to touch.
You’re the one I’ve been waiting on.
I lay wide eyed in bed at night wondering if I’ll meet you tomorrow.
I don’t know if our paths have crossed in the past our not, but I swear sometimes I can feel you here like you’re next to me.
When I seek for you, I come up empty.
How long will I wait for you?
As long as it takes.
But seriously…
Where are you?
Are you searching for me as hard as I am for you?
When I meet you, will I know who you are?
What do you look like?
When I think of you, all I see is the one I’ve loved in the past… is this you?
I just want to know.
Maybe when you find me, you’ll know.
But if you’re as clueless as me, with my luck, we’ll just float right past each other.
It’d be a lot easier if I just could get an answer.

I want to live. I want a life where I’m alive.

So many people, I look at, and they’re dead. They’ve been living for years and have never been alive. I see you there, thinking your life is doing so well, and it all comes crashing down. You still give that image but behind the mask, all that’s left is a lonely fool. Look at you. So pathetic now. You’re dead. You might as well jump into the grave.
I don’t want that life. I want to live.

So world, who’s gonna be the one to show me who to live? If it’s you… let me know cause I’m dying to hear from you.

Ten things I need to say to ten different individuals:
1. As everything in the world is going wrong, as everyone is changing and evolving, as everyone’s beliefs change with every passing minute, in you I find some kind of calm in this chaotic world. Every fight between us has been mended by tears and hugs. Every disagreement has ended in agreement. Every unpleasant moment together has been pleasant because it was with you. You have been my life for the past 2 years. I have no idea how our future will unfold, but in it’s present state, I wouldn’t have it any other way. I know you could never understand just how proud I am of you and how much I really do love you. It’s true.
2. You’re a fag but it’s okay. You’ve became a friend I will always be able to look back on and enjoy the times we have spent together. So many crazy things and stupid ideas, and you were there through them all by my side. Thanks bro.
3. Your not related but you might as well have been. I love you and am very impressed with how you’ve taken your calling so serious and have taken the role needed to accomplish the goals you need to. I look up to you when I want a figure for endurance because I know your struggle like no one else does. You are my source of hope when there is none. I know you’re younger than me, but in so many ways I look to you for maturity. I love you to death and mean it when I call you my lil sis.
4. I know to a lot of people, I am viewed as a bad influence on you. They are right but they don’t know that you would do just about everything we’ve done together regardless if I had been there. We’re gonna be friends for a long time and I just hope you get laid before you’re 21. Hahaha.
5. You and I used to be so close. I know we kinda are, but not. I need to see you more. I need to have my girl back. We are at a point now where alot of the childish crap is gone and we can just relax and complain about other things, like the adult crap. I just wish I could find you when I needed you.
6. I have had a crush on you for awhile. You know it, I know it, and it’s mutual thing. It’s just understood. We don’t go there. Sucks we could never give it a try before you got locked down, but hey, at least you still have your gay friend, right? You know I’m always gonna be here for ya, and will tell you the truth no matter what you think is right, because you’re wrong. Haha
7. What the hell happened? We used to be like best friends, then he comes in your life, and I haven’t heard ANYthing from you. He hates me for no reason too, wth? Oh well, I just miss being close to ya.
8. If I ever had an older brother, I’d want it to be you. You’re cool as hell and we get along way too well. I’ve had tons of great times with you, and many good laughs. I’m excited to see how much more fun we’re gonna have now that we live closer.
9. If I was to have a younger brother, it’s be you. I’ve trained you. I’ve given you everything I can to be better than I am when you’re my age. I want to see you own the world one day and I’ll do anything I can to help you in your journey, haha.
10. When the shit hits the fan. You’re the one I call to bail me out. You’re ready to help me out and to act like mom. Sometimes I need both, and I just wanna thank you for the years of being there for me.